Prayers can be answered quickly...

I was hoping to have another post up before to day but, such is life some times.  Instead of posting I spent the weekend with close friends, snuggling a new beautiful tiny baby boy, and being with family.  I love weekends like that!  I also spent some time thinking about this interesting series of events that has gotten me thinking about asking for what you want and accepting what you asked for.  Let me explain...

Two weekends ago my wonderful husband took me downtown for a romantic weekend getaway.  He really can be quite the romantic at times. *dreamy sigh*  He and I have attended several seminars in the last year put on by 3 Key Elements. It is an incredible company on a mission and a big part of the reason I started to see the anger I had.  Kirk Duncan and those that work with him know how to put on some very powerful training's!  Chris signed us up for a training they developed called Royalty & Romance.  Not only did he sign us for for the class, he got us a room downtown, arranged for dog sitting, and even signed us up for a candlelight dinner Friday night.  It was such fantastic weekend!

Anyway, on with my story.  At every 3 Key Elements event, we get a raffle ticket, along with several other things, and at various times during the event we get a chance to win different items.  On Saturday we were a bit late getting back from lunch because the first few places we tried were either experiencing a power outage or had too long of a wait.  We got back after the afternoon raffle had started and had just found some seats when they called Chris's number!  He went up to accept his winnings and was rewarded with the entire audio library of CD's that Kirk has produced.  Since we love this company and love to support it, we already had the whole library.  Chris let them know that we already had it but they said if we already had it, we just had some that we could share with others and gave it to him anyway.  On his way back to his seat he had several people ask for the entire set from him in front of everyone but he didn't feel quite right about it so he didn't give them away instantly.  Lo and behold, two ticket numbers later they called my number!  They were offering me another ENTIRE AUDIO LIBRARY.  I went to the stage but I protested saying that we really didn't need three full sets of CD's and asked them to re-draw to give someone else a chance.  Which this time, they did.

On his way up to stage, Kirk stopped where I was sitting and told me (and everyone else) that since I had such a good attitude and wanted others to have a chance to win, that he wanted to gift me the full library anyway.  So there we sat with 2 full sets of CD's and another one at home and everyone in the audience knowing that was our situation.  We thought for sure that at the next break we would be swarmed with people asking for some of our CD's.  For those of you that know us personally, you know we wouldn't have hesitated to help out some other people by giving them some CD's out of our abundance.  But, no one asked!

We met a couple there that we knew wanted two specific CD's so we offered both to them.
That is why one stack is smaller.

Do you ever find it hard to ask for what you want?  I know that I do sometimes.  I have wondered why a lot.  What does it hurt to ask?  Is it because I think I'm being selfish?  Is it because I don't trust that whomever I'm petitioning will give me what I ask?  This was such an interesting lesson for me to contemplate.  Turning it to the spiritual side, because that is how I roll, maybe, just maybe, Heavenly Father is waiting for me to ask for what I want.  Perhaps He is already prepared to give me what I want and He is just waiting to see if I have the faith to ask.  The scriptures seem to be begging me to believe this very principle.  "Ask and ye shall receive" is a very common phrase I read.

But what about those times when I don't get what I ask for?  Elder Jeffery R. Holland has a book out right now called "For Times of Trouble".  It is fabulous book that I highly recommend and it comes with a DVD of him answering questions about times of trouble from a panel of people.  I, for one, want to know how to get on one of those panels!  As he is answering a question on the DVD he says that "you can have anything you want or something better".  Paraphrasing what he said, he explains that God's will is large enough to incorporate our desires, we just have to ask.  He continues by saying that the only time we don't get what we want is when from a parental view He sees that it would be better for us to have something different, something better, so that we can learn what we need to learn and become who we need to become.  Isn't that comforting?

So, last Thursday on my way to work I started smelling something burning and looked down to see my car temperature red-lining.  I had to pull over, turn my car off, and let it cool down before I could continue on my way.  It is a fairly new (to us) car and I had never had an issue like this with it before.  So, I said a quick prayer asking for His help to get to work and back home safely without there being damage to my car.  When I left the house that morning I was already a few minutes behind so I ended up getting to work late and feeling pretty grumpy about it.

On Thursdays we have a man that comes to our office to take our office supply order for the week.  We have a really good working relationship and he likes to tell me about the boys he helps through his service in the community and we often chat for at least a few minutes when he comes.  By the time I got to the office, he was already there looking at the order for the week.  He joked about me being late and I ended up telling what had held me up.  Without any hesitation he asked to see my keys so he could go out in a snow storm and look at my car.  I protested, we have a good working relationship but I didn't want him to have to go out of his way.  He insisted so I finally gave him my keys.  When he came back in, he told me that he needed to finish his route but when he was done, he'd come back and take a closer look.

He came back around noon with coolant in hand, filled up the reserves, and told me to have my husband look at it but that it should be fine now.  I was shocked that he was willing to do all of that for me.  If he would have told me it was coolant I would have walked across the street, picked some up, filled it up myself and considered it good but he didn't even give me the chance.  I am incredibly independent (just ask my husband) and I really don't mind doing things that I am capable of doing by myself.  In fact, I prefer it.  I know, I still have a lot to work on...

With some reflection, and guidance from the spirit I'm sure, I started to recognize some things that perhaps should have been clear to me.  The first thing I recognized is that I had asked and Heavenly Father had acted quickly to answer my prayer.  The second is that it wasn't answered in the the way I expected or necessarily wanted.  I think, perhaps due to my independence, when I asked for help I expected that He would help me by somehow messing with my car to keep it cool enough to drive until Chris could look at it.  This way, I didn't need to depend on anyone else except my husband.  You'd think I'd know better but honestly, that is what I had in mind.  Instead, he had prepared a way so that before I even left for lunch my car was fixed and drive ready while giving someone else the opportunity to serve me.  His way was so much better!  I need to just accept what He gives, especially when I have asked for exactly what He is giving.

I saw this video a few weeks ago and I wanted to share.  I am learning that teaching moments from Heavenly Father are all around us if we are looking for them.  The video is about 5 minutes long but really, really good.  I think it shows that amazing things are around us all the time when we are looking for them.

  "The Money Tree"  

Love,

Shanda

Last year

A little over a year ago (at the beginning of 2012) Chris and I had been trying to get pregnant for 3 ½ years.  At that point, I was angry, getting bitter, and very weary of carrying the burden.  I felt alone and largely isolated.  The isolation was mostly self-inflicted.  I felt like all of the women around me had children, were pregnant, or in some cases, just weren't ready for kids yet.  I did everything I could to avoid girl’s nights, being with groups of women, and especially the dreaded and continuous baby showers.  And, against popular belief, it wasn't that I wasn't happy for them, I was just really sad for me.  Those experiences became too painful because I was ultra sensitive.  It felt emotionally similar to the sensation of slapping sun burnt skin.

I was also very irritated at myself.  By this time in my life I had developed a close personal relationship with my Father in Heaven and I knew I was sliding off of my path.  I could feel myself losing connection with Him and I knew the cause was MY anger.  Somehow, this served to make me more angry.  My faith is intensely family oriented.  The divine role of women and motherhood is something that is well known and taught.  Don’t get me wrong, we aren't in the 1950’s where the only place for a woman is the home.  There are several successful and dynamic women in leadership positions that we have the opportunity to hear and learn from.  The thing is, what I had always wanted most in this life was to be a mother.  The fact that it wasn't happening for us started to feel like I was somehow being denied.  Perhaps I wasn't qualified to be a mother.   Maybe this was His way of letting me know I just wouldn't be a good mom and He was saving His precious little ones for those that could better care for them.  Of course I know now that none of this was true.  I think I knew that then too, but I wasn't in a great place.

There have been a few special times in my life when I have felt overwhelming mercy and tenderness from my Heavenly Father.  These have been times where I swear, if I could see the spiritual realms I would have seen Him or His angles literally lifting me out of the place that I was and putting me back on the path He has for me, where there is safety, peace, and rest from the hurt.  Last year was one of those times.  There is too much detail to really go into it but I will say that during this time I saw His hand in my life.  Not with my physical eyes by with my spiritual ones.  During this time, opportunities that I wouldn't have sought out were gifted to me by others.  By His guiding hand, things and people were placed in my life with exactly what I needed.  They came with the ability and skill to help me take off my blinders and honestly evaluate where I was, which can only initiate change. 

Before this had happened, my vision had been narrowed.  All I could see was my pain.  My senses were full of my hurts and sorrows so much that I could not see, hear, or feel anyone else’s.  With some time I was finally able to see outside of myself again.  I was finally able to see the distance between me and others (including God) and begin remove those blocks of anger and resentment and everything else that kept us apart.  This will be a lifetime process I am sure but it felt so freeing to let the anger go.  Matthew 11:28-30 had more meaning in my life than it ever had before and I started to learn trust once more.

I don’t remember when this was but I remember a specific prayer when I turned it all over to the Lord.  I expressed that my desire to have children would always remain intact, that I felt so strongly that this was a righteous desire.  However, I knew that children or not, I had a mission to accomplish in this life.  There are things only I can do, people only I can touch.  It is true for all of us.  So, for probably the millionth time I just asked to know His will so I could follow.

Not long after I had learned this lesson I got a real chance to use what I had learned.  Two days before our 6th wedding anniversary we found ourselves sitting in the office of a reproductive endocrinologist.  He explained to us that due to some test results we would never be able to naturally conceive our own children.  As he continued to explain our options (IVF or adoption) I felt like I was in shock.  That week was spent with my husband and I trying to come to terms with our new reality.  I have learned that days and weeks like this thankfully don't last forever.

At this point I am practicing gratitude.  Gratitude that we didn't receive this news until after I had let go of so much anger.  That news a year earlier could have crushed me in a way that would have taken years to overcome. Gratitude that there are still options for us to have a family.  Gratitude that now every month doesn't have to be filled with hope only to be turned disappointment with the coming of my monthly cycle. Now, I can just know that it will come and be at peace with it.  Gratitude that when the opportunity to become a mother actually does come, I can look at my life on the hard days and remind myself that I did everything I wanted to do before they came and that right now, I am choosing them.  Gratitude that I know and am continuing to learn that I am loved and provided for by the King of Kings.

“Life is just like an old time rail journey ... delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.” 
― Gordon B. Hinckley

Love,

Shanda

An introduction...

I have thought for quite a while that I should have a blog.  I think it would be therapeutic for me (even if no one ever reads it) for a few reasons.  One, I love to write.  I have always loved it.  I tend to naturally express better in writing than any other way.  Two, I really should be documenting some of the things I’m learning.  They have been incredibly important lessons for me.  Perhaps what I learn from life and many different things around me will also be of worth to someone else.  Three, I tend to live from faulty perfectionist thinking.  Perhaps a blog will be good for me in this aspect because I will be publishing things that perhaps aren’t perfect (ekk!).  A blog could be good practice for me on being human and being ok with it.

So, who am I anyway?   My name is Shanda.  I grew up in Utah and yes, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  My faith hasn't always been a large part of my life but it is now.  I have been married to my sweet husband Chris for about six and a half years.  Currently we don’t have any children but we do have two dogs.  We sure love our puppies, even if they aren't really puppies anymore.  We are very close to family and friends and love that we have some little nephews, nieces, and friends little ones to cuddle with when we get lonely for kiddos.

I have been able to do a lot in my life that has made me happy.  I served a mission for my church which allowed me the opportunity to meet and serve some remarkable people in the inner city of Chicago for a year and a half.  I have gone to several different schools and I absolutely love learning.  I am a licensed massage therapist and I am looking forward to learning medicinal herbs shortly.  I have had a great career and for the last two years have had worked with some truly amazing people as the office manager of a counseling office.  I love personal development and I have had several significant opportunities over the last few years to attend phenomenal training's that have changed my life and opened my eyes.  I have spent the years being married getting to know my husband really well and we have a network of support, friendship, and love that astounds me.  All in all, the things I have in life that make me happy show me that I am blessed beyond belief.

Like everyone else on the planet, I have had challenges and trials.  I am hopefully learning all I can from them but even if I’m not, I am learning some things.  That has to be worth something.  That is why I wanted to write this blog.  My hardships seem to be a different kind of school that my Heavenly Father has set up for me.  The kind of school that is tailored specifically to my needs and to teach me what I need to learn in order to become who He would have me to be.  Since I love to learn, I decided this needed to be documented.  When I focus on the fact that these challenges are on purpose, sent out of love for me to discover more of who I am meant to be, the burden is not as heavy.   I am learning to trust.  I am learning to love.  I am learning to live a life of gratitude.  While I am confident that I am not the only one learning these lessons, my dad has always told me that we are all in this life together.  If we can’t live to help someone else as we are helped, what is this life really all about?  So, hopefully my ramblings about lessons learned, faith, and what is happening in my family will not only provide me with cheap therapy but will also help someone else in their life’s journey.

Love,

Shanda