As you know (or can see) it has been quite a while since
I have updated my blog. Surprisingly, I
have received quite a few comments about it.
Sorry! It was not my plan to take
so much time in between posts but as some of you know, I had the pleasure of mono
visiting me for a few months! I think I
am mostly recovered but it sure took a lot out of me. I don’t think I have ever been that tired,
ever. I thought I was going crazy!
It is amazing to me how well I am known by my Heavenly
Father and my Savior. They always know
exactly what I need to learn, when I need to learn it, and exactly the way to
best help me to find that new understanding.
I am so blessed. I was AMAZED by
how much I learned during those months of not getting anything done because of
excessive sleep.
I started quite a few posts and had even more ideas for
posts during my bout with mono but, I never got them finished and honestly, I’m
still processing quite a bit of my new understanding. So, you will be getting it little by little
from here on out. I will do my best at
being more consistent in my posting.
I learned right away just how Type
A I am. I loved this picture, it is
so perfect! I don’t have a whole lot
(McLeod, S. A. (2011). Type A Personality - Simply Psychology.Retrieved from http://www.simplypsychology.org/personality-a.html)
of the typical competitiveness ( or at least I am not
aware of it) that usually follows a type A.
Because of this, I had just let
myself believe that I wasn’t really this way.
The illusion quickly faded with the onset of extreme fatigue. All of those things that I am supposed to do in a day started not getting
done. Part of the reason I thought I was
going crazy is because I was driving myself crazy! Every day for almost as long as I can
remember, I come home from work with a list of everything that I ‘have to’ get
done that day. These lists were NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE
to accomplish in one night but I loved the challenge (maybe I am more
competitive than I thought). I think I
figured since it was only nearly impossible and not totally impossible there
was a chance I could get it done. At
least I see now that while I accomplished a lot, I wasn’t really taking care of
myself or paying attention to the people I love.
When I got sick by the time I left work I was completely exhausted. This forced me to start cutting down on my to-do
list for when I got home to be more ‘realistic’(yeah right). I kept trying to tell myself that the
tiredness wouldn’t last long and if I could just keep up with things I wouldn’t
have to catch-up later. By doing this, I
managed to push my body further than it really wanted to be pushed. What was the result of that? Having to use ALL of my vacation and sick
time I had been saving for IVF. ALL OF
IT! The real kicker though was that I missed
all that work, and used all my time off, to do NOTHING BUT SLEEP! Talk about crazy making. I would wake up after 12 hours of sleep and
fell like I hadn’t slept at all. For the
first time in my life I couldn’t force myself anymore, I couldn’t ‘push-through’,
I just couldn’t do anything at all and I was so frustrated by it!
Yet, instead of asking for any help, I still somehow
figured I could do things myself. Due to
my insanity (honestly it can’t be called anything else) I decided to do a lot
of re-arranging in our home right before our home study for
the IVF grant we applied for. As all of
you know, re-arranging anything means more cleaning and I was already down and out. This meant that Chris and
I stayed up until 2 AM the night before the social worker came to inspect our
home to make sure everything was done. I
was hardly even functional but I just ‘had-to’ get it all done. During the extra-long cleaning spree with me
functioning at probably a ¼ of my normal speed I remembered a friend’s offer
from earlier that day. She knew our home
study was the next day and that I would have no time that day to clean so she
asked me sincerely if she could come and help.
Without even thinking about it I thanked her but let her know we had it
under control. As the clock passed
midnight I was almost screaming at myself… this is OBVIOUSLY not under
control! I really could have used her
help. Why didn’t I even consider
accepting it?
I think it was because I didn’t want her to see the
mess. I couldn’t stand not being all put
together. Because of my pride, I
seriously paid the price. Dumb, dumb,
dumb. Then I read this
post from one of my favorite bloggers and I realized it wasn’t just me that
did this. I also realized how much I need to stop it. Everyone struggles sometimes, life is messy
for everyone, and if I can’t be real about that, how can others be real with
me? (Seriously, you should read the post
and I highly recommend reading her often!)
No one benefits by my obsessive have-to-do lists. Yes things do need to get done. We live in the real world. But they don’t have to get done at the sacrifice
of a good conversation with my husband, or catching up with a good friend, or
even for giving myself a little break once in a while.
Now I am practicing being nice to myself and taking time
for me. I am practicing not being so ridged
and demanding. I am practicing not
living from those never-ending to-do lists.
I am far from perfect at it, but I am practicing and that is really okay
for now.
We women have a lot to learn about simplifying our lives. We have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable for us. We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something. We have to learn to be content with what we are. - Marjorie Hinckley
