I think I may finally be in recovery from perfectionism...

As you know (or can see) it has been quite a while since I have updated my blog.  Surprisingly, I have received quite a few comments about it.  Sorry!  It was not my plan to take so much time in between posts but as some of you know, I had the pleasure of mono visiting me for a few months!  I think I am mostly recovered but it sure took a lot out of me.  I don’t think I have ever been that tired, ever.  I thought I was going crazy!

It is amazing to me how well I am known by my Heavenly Father and my Savior.  They always know exactly what I need to learn, when I need to learn it, and exactly the way to best help me to find that new understanding.  I am so blessed.  I was AMAZED by how much I learned during those months of not getting anything done because of excessive sleep.

I started quite a few posts and had even more ideas for posts during my bout with mono but, I never got them finished and honestly, I’m still processing quite a bit of my new understanding.  So, you will be getting it little by little from here on out.  I will do my best at being more consistent in my posting.

I learned right away just how Type A I am.  I loved this picture, it is so perfect!  I don’t have a whole lot

(McLeod, S. A. (2011). Type A Personality - Simply Psychology.Retrieved from http://www.simplypsychology.org/personality-a.html)

of the typical competitiveness ( or at least I am not aware of it) that usually follows a type A.   Because of this, I had just let myself believe that I wasn’t really this way.  The illusion quickly faded with the onset of extreme fatigue.  All of those things that I am supposed to do in a day started not getting done.  Part of the reason I thought I was going crazy is because I was driving myself crazy!  Every day for almost as long as I can remember, I come home from work with a list of everything that I ‘have to’ get done that day.  These lists were NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE to accomplish in one night but I loved the challenge (maybe I am more competitive than I thought).  I think I figured since it was only nearly impossible and not totally impossible there was a chance I could get it done.  At least I see now that while I accomplished a lot, I wasn’t really taking care of myself or paying attention to the people I love. 

When I got sick by the time I left work I was completely exhausted.  This forced me to start cutting down on my to-do list for when I got home to be more ‘realistic’(yeah right).  I kept trying to tell myself that the tiredness wouldn’t last long and if I could just keep up with things I wouldn’t have to catch-up later.  By doing this, I managed to push my body further than it really wanted to be pushed.  What was the result of that?  Having to use ALL of my vacation and sick time I had been saving for IVF.  ALL OF IT!  The real kicker though was that I missed all that work, and used all my time off, to do NOTHING BUT SLEEP!  Talk about crazy making.  I would wake up after 12 hours of sleep and fell like I hadn’t slept at all.  For the first time in my life I couldn’t force myself anymore, I couldn’t ‘push-through’, I just couldn’t do anything at all and I was so frustrated by it!

Yet, instead of asking for any help, I still somehow figured I could do things myself.  Due to my insanity (honestly it can’t be called anything else) I decided to do a lot of re-arranging in our home right before our home study for the IVF grant we applied for.  As all of you know, re-arranging anything means more cleaning and I was already down and out.  This meant that Chris and I stayed up until 2 AM the night before the social worker came to inspect our home to make sure everything was done.  I was hardly even functional but I just ‘had-to’ get it all done.  During the extra-long cleaning spree with me functioning at probably a ¼ of my normal speed I remembered a friend’s offer from earlier that day.  She knew our home study was the next day and that I would have no time that day to clean so she asked me sincerely if she could come and help.  Without even thinking about it I thanked her but let her know we had it under control.  As the clock passed midnight I was almost screaming at myself… this is OBVIOUSLY not under control!  I really could have used her help.  Why didn’t I even consider accepting it?

I think it was because I didn’t want her to see the mess.  I couldn’t stand not being all put together.  Because of my pride, I seriously paid the price.  Dumb, dumb, dumb.  Then I read this post from one of my favorite bloggers and I realized it wasn’t just me that did this.    I also realized how much I need to stop it.  Everyone struggles sometimes, life is messy for everyone, and if I can’t be real about that, how can others be real with me?  (Seriously, you should read the post and I highly recommend reading her often!)

No one benefits by my obsessive have-to-do lists.  Yes things do need to get done.  We live in the real world.  But they don’t have to get done at the sacrifice of a good conversation with my husband, or catching up with a good friend, or even for giving myself a little break once in a while.

Now I am practicing being nice to myself and taking time for me.  I am practicing not being so ridged and demanding.  I am practicing not living from those never-ending to-do lists.  I am far from perfect at it, but I am practicing and that is really okay for now. 

We women have a lot to learn about simplifying our lives.  We have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable for us.  We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something.  We have to learn to be content with what we are. - Marjorie Hinckley