What we've been up to the last few months...

This post is long overdue and I apologize!  I have known that I need to write this for at least a month now but I just haven't been able to talk myself into it until now.  In my last post I let all of you know that we were going to start our IVF cycle in September.  Believe me, these last few months have been very interesting!  I will tell you now, since this is a long post, that if you are expecting news about us being pregnant, you will be disappointed.  The first cycle of IVF is considered failed but I don't think it is a complete failure...

So, here is the story from the beginning...  Gratefully, IVF starts fairly easy.  It begins with trying to get my body under the doctors control.  So, on September 5th I got to start birth control.  I say it starts fairly easy because I don't always react very well with hormones.  I honestly thought I did pretty well on them but, I think to get the full picture, you'd have to talk to Chris. ;)  I was on active birth control for almost 40 days.

We didn't start the shots until the 6th of October which happened to be our 7th wedding anniversary.  We love going to up to Park City for our anniversary so that is what we did.  We got a great deal on a two bedroom condo for the weekend and spent it in the beautiful Utah fall mountains watching general conference, swimming, looking at the leaves, and we even tried an amazing (but pricey) restaurant.  Edge Steakhouse, it was delicious!  I don't love this picture but it is the only one we got at dinner.  Also, we maybe should have dressed up more to eat there...

Luckily, the shots start pretty easy as well.  For the first little while we were only on one shot and we used a needle similar to a diabetic needle.  So, it really wasn't too bad.  Once we started the shots, we started following this calendar.  We had to take the shots and meds at the same time every night which became somewhat of a ritual.  I put Chris in charge of all of the drug / shot administration.  Since we eventually got up to three shots a day, it was so nice that he was willing to figure out dosages and give me the shots.  I couldn't have done it without him!!  Also, we lived by this calendar that told us what to take and how much and when.  It was pretty intense!

Finally we reached the week of retrieval.  During this week (which started for us on October 28) we get to go to the clinic every other morning so they can do an ultrasound and determine the size of my ovaries and follicles and decide when is the best day to to do the retrieval.  On Monday, they said that everything was looking really really good.  They showed me on the ultra sound that I had several good follicles developing and they were really encouraged.  We spent some time with the nurses as they went over what shots and how much and when for this week.  When we went back on Wednesday the doctor was a bit less optimistic.  He told me that he was concerned about some excess fluid in my abdomen and asked if I would get some blood drawn to test my hormone levels and see where I was.  He then proceeded to tell us that it looked like I was at risk for Ovarian Hyper-Stimulation Syndrome.  My hormone levels would give us a clearer picture of what was happening.  He warned us that if I did have OHSS we would have to wait to do the transfer.  Instead of doing it five days after the retrieval as planned, everything would have to be frozen and we'd have to try again later.  He also mentioned that I could get very sick.

I waited all day for those test results and I got the call right before I left work that day.  The nurse told me that there was no way we would be able to do a live transfer.  She said my Estradiol (hormone) level was 6750.  To even possibly consider doing a live transfer my levels would have to be 3000 or below.  She told me I would most likely get really sick after the retrieval (I already wasn't feeling that great) and that I should be willing to just rest for several days.

Chris gave me my last shot on Thursday night as we prepped for our retrieval the next day.  The needle on this one was huge!

Ouch!  He had to give me that huge shot in my hip!

Here is an action shot of Chris drawing up a shot for
 me.






I kept every single shot that I had to have in this process.  This picture shows the 3 weeks of shots / drugs leading up to this point pretty well...

Yuck!

 So, Friday November 1st was the retrieval.  Since we both had to go under, my wonderful mother in law took us up to the clinic (we had to be there by 5:30 AM).  Chris got to go under first.  I was waiting in a tiny and not-that-comfortable room listening to my ipod trying to keep my mind off of things.  Chris's doc came in after he was finished to tell me that they were able to collect plenty of 'genetic material' from Chris and that everything went really well.  There had been a small chance that they would be able to get anything from him so I was ecstatic!  Then it was my turn...

Gratefully, they put me under while I listened to a fertility meditation because that retrieval process is awful.  They warned me that as I came out of it I may start cramping pretty severely and they were right.  It took me a LONG time to come out of it and feel somewhat human again.  By the time they put me back in the tiny recovery room, Chris was in there too.  I was really really grateful that we had already talked to people about helping with our two puppies because we were a pretty sad sight.  Once I had snapped out of it a bit they told me that they had gotten 30 eggs!!  Talk about over stimulation!

Chris's mom came, took us home and got us all settled.  She was wonderful through this process, for three days in a row she came over to make sure we were comfortable and fed (as much as I could eat), and that the doggies were taken care of.  I am so grateful for her!

As promised by the doctors, I got VERY sick.  They sent me home form the clinic after my procedure with a measuring tape, a 'bathroom hat' (I got to measure my in-going, and OUT-going fluids for two weeks), and several prescriptions to try and get me feeling better.  I thought my shots were done but I was wrong :(.  I had to weigh myself and take a belly measurement every morning, track my fluids, take 4 pills and 2 shots per day.  OHSS can cause several pretty serious issues.  The hormones that leaked into my blood stream thickened my blood so they put me on blood thinners.  They also threw off my sodium and potassium levels in my blood.  It caused serious belly distension and weight gain (I gained 4 inches in my belly and 10 pounds).  In fact, they considered 'draining' off the extra fluid in my abdomen but luckily we didn't get to that point.  On top of all of that I couldn't hold anything down for days.  I was in pretty constant pain.  Any movement hurt like the dickens.  I have been pretty sick before but I don't think I have every been THAT sick before.  I didn't get out of bed for a full week and a half and had daily calls with the nurses during that time.

Luckily while I was stuck in bed healing I had some serious protection and love :)  Those dogs didn't leave my side except to go potty.  I sure love them!

As promised by the lab, they called about three days later to let us know that they were able to fertilize 13 eggs and they had started the embryo incubation process.  They called again on Thursday the 7th to let us know that 8 embryos had made it through the 5 day incubation period, 5 were excellent quality and 4 were pretty good.  They were all frozen and are currently in the U of U cryogenic lab.  Even though it is really weird to think about (and such a strange way to try and gain a family!)  I think it is really cool that there are 8 tiny embryos, equal parts Chris and I sitting frozen in a lab waiting for a chance to see if they can develop into life.

At this point, I am physically feeling worlds better.  I am very happily drug and shot free for a while.  Emotionally, I am still recovering a bit.  I'm going to blame the seriously out of whack hormones running through my body.  The doctor told us that we could try again in December but I am not ready for a second cycle of IVF yet.  I think I still need some time to try and gain balance before we start again.  Plus, I don't think it is fair AT ALL to my family to be on hormones over Christmas!

I think we will start the new year with more drugs.  Even though they have the embryos, they have to get my body ready for the transplant process so, I will be on drugs and shots again for about 6 weeks.  We haven't decided if we'll start again in January or February.  It depends mostly on how I am feeling.  Everyone says this time around will be easier without the whole ovary stimulation and retrieval part.  I'm SERIOUSLY counting on that.

It has been quite a process, the recovery and the disappointment have been a bit difficult.  If I'm completely honest, I lost a lot of motivation to do anything but the 'have-to's'.  My communication with others dropped quite a bit and I apologize to those who have been genuinely waiting for some kind of news from me...  That is why it has taken me so long to get this post written and up.  Thankfully, I think I'm starting to pull out of it a bit.

Even though this cycle is considered failed, I don't think it failed totally.  We have 8 embryos waiting for us to try again.  I'm grateful for that!  We learned a whole lot through this process.  I continue to learn to be nice to myself, to give myself time to heal, and to let the perfectionism wain.  I think the greatest blessing that I have felt through this whole process is hope and even peace.  I don't always feel it in the moment, but it has been there all along.  Thankfully, I know that I am a daughter of an all knowing, all powerful, and most importantly all LOVING God.  I know that I am not in control, He is, and He knows the beginning from the end and the timing of all things.  I learn and remember over and over again that no matter what, my life is meaningful.  He loves me and there is purpose to the things that happen, even if I don't understand.  And I know that even if we never end up with the children we would love to have, there is work for me to do, life for me to live, and joy to be had.  I can't imagine life without that knowledge.

If you haven't heard this song, give it a listen.  It has been a wonderful reminder to me!  Laura Story - Blessings.

Love you all and thank you for your patience,
Shanda