Last year

A little over a year ago (at the beginning of 2012) Chris and I had been trying to get pregnant for 3 ½ years.  At that point, I was angry, getting bitter, and very weary of carrying the burden.  I felt alone and largely isolated.  The isolation was mostly self-inflicted.  I felt like all of the women around me had children, were pregnant, or in some cases, just weren't ready for kids yet.  I did everything I could to avoid girl’s nights, being with groups of women, and especially the dreaded and continuous baby showers.  And, against popular belief, it wasn't that I wasn't happy for them, I was just really sad for me.  Those experiences became too painful because I was ultra sensitive.  It felt emotionally similar to the sensation of slapping sun burnt skin.

I was also very irritated at myself.  By this time in my life I had developed a close personal relationship with my Father in Heaven and I knew I was sliding off of my path.  I could feel myself losing connection with Him and I knew the cause was MY anger.  Somehow, this served to make me more angry.  My faith is intensely family oriented.  The divine role of women and motherhood is something that is well known and taught.  Don’t get me wrong, we aren't in the 1950’s where the only place for a woman is the home.  There are several successful and dynamic women in leadership positions that we have the opportunity to hear and learn from.  The thing is, what I had always wanted most in this life was to be a mother.  The fact that it wasn't happening for us started to feel like I was somehow being denied.  Perhaps I wasn't qualified to be a mother.   Maybe this was His way of letting me know I just wouldn't be a good mom and He was saving His precious little ones for those that could better care for them.  Of course I know now that none of this was true.  I think I knew that then too, but I wasn't in a great place.

There have been a few special times in my life when I have felt overwhelming mercy and tenderness from my Heavenly Father.  These have been times where I swear, if I could see the spiritual realms I would have seen Him or His angles literally lifting me out of the place that I was and putting me back on the path He has for me, where there is safety, peace, and rest from the hurt.  Last year was one of those times.  There is too much detail to really go into it but I will say that during this time I saw His hand in my life.  Not with my physical eyes by with my spiritual ones.  During this time, opportunities that I wouldn't have sought out were gifted to me by others.  By His guiding hand, things and people were placed in my life with exactly what I needed.  They came with the ability and skill to help me take off my blinders and honestly evaluate where I was, which can only initiate change. 

Before this had happened, my vision had been narrowed.  All I could see was my pain.  My senses were full of my hurts and sorrows so much that I could not see, hear, or feel anyone else’s.  With some time I was finally able to see outside of myself again.  I was finally able to see the distance between me and others (including God) and begin remove those blocks of anger and resentment and everything else that kept us apart.  This will be a lifetime process I am sure but it felt so freeing to let the anger go.  Matthew 11:28-30 had more meaning in my life than it ever had before and I started to learn trust once more.

I don’t remember when this was but I remember a specific prayer when I turned it all over to the Lord.  I expressed that my desire to have children would always remain intact, that I felt so strongly that this was a righteous desire.  However, I knew that children or not, I had a mission to accomplish in this life.  There are things only I can do, people only I can touch.  It is true for all of us.  So, for probably the millionth time I just asked to know His will so I could follow.

Not long after I had learned this lesson I got a real chance to use what I had learned.  Two days before our 6th wedding anniversary we found ourselves sitting in the office of a reproductive endocrinologist.  He explained to us that due to some test results we would never be able to naturally conceive our own children.  As he continued to explain our options (IVF or adoption) I felt like I was in shock.  That week was spent with my husband and I trying to come to terms with our new reality.  I have learned that days and weeks like this thankfully don't last forever.

At this point I am practicing gratitude.  Gratitude that we didn't receive this news until after I had let go of so much anger.  That news a year earlier could have crushed me in a way that would have taken years to overcome. Gratitude that there are still options for us to have a family.  Gratitude that now every month doesn't have to be filled with hope only to be turned disappointment with the coming of my monthly cycle. Now, I can just know that it will come and be at peace with it.  Gratitude that when the opportunity to become a mother actually does come, I can look at my life on the hard days and remind myself that I did everything I wanted to do before they came and that right now, I am choosing them.  Gratitude that I know and am continuing to learn that I am loved and provided for by the King of Kings.

“Life is just like an old time rail journey ... delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.” 
― Gordon B. Hinckley

Love,

Shanda