What we've been up to the last few months...

This post is long overdue and I apologize!  I have known that I need to write this for at least a month now but I just haven't been able to talk myself into it until now.  In my last post I let all of you know that we were going to start our IVF cycle in September.  Believe me, these last few months have been very interesting!  I will tell you now, since this is a long post, that if you are expecting news about us being pregnant, you will be disappointed.  The first cycle of IVF is considered failed but I don't think it is a complete failure...

So, here is the story from the beginning...  Gratefully, IVF starts fairly easy.  It begins with trying to get my body under the doctors control.  So, on September 5th I got to start birth control.  I say it starts fairly easy because I don't always react very well with hormones.  I honestly thought I did pretty well on them but, I think to get the full picture, you'd have to talk to Chris. ;)  I was on active birth control for almost 40 days.

We didn't start the shots until the 6th of October which happened to be our 7th wedding anniversary.  We love going to up to Park City for our anniversary so that is what we did.  We got a great deal on a two bedroom condo for the weekend and spent it in the beautiful Utah fall mountains watching general conference, swimming, looking at the leaves, and we even tried an amazing (but pricey) restaurant.  Edge Steakhouse, it was delicious!  I don't love this picture but it is the only one we got at dinner.  Also, we maybe should have dressed up more to eat there...

Luckily, the shots start pretty easy as well.  For the first little while we were only on one shot and we used a needle similar to a diabetic needle.  So, it really wasn't too bad.  Once we started the shots, we started following this calendar.  We had to take the shots and meds at the same time every night which became somewhat of a ritual.  I put Chris in charge of all of the drug / shot administration.  Since we eventually got up to three shots a day, it was so nice that he was willing to figure out dosages and give me the shots.  I couldn't have done it without him!!  Also, we lived by this calendar that told us what to take and how much and when.  It was pretty intense!

Finally we reached the week of retrieval.  During this week (which started for us on October 28) we get to go to the clinic every other morning so they can do an ultrasound and determine the size of my ovaries and follicles and decide when is the best day to to do the retrieval.  On Monday, they said that everything was looking really really good.  They showed me on the ultra sound that I had several good follicles developing and they were really encouraged.  We spent some time with the nurses as they went over what shots and how much and when for this week.  When we went back on Wednesday the doctor was a bit less optimistic.  He told me that he was concerned about some excess fluid in my abdomen and asked if I would get some blood drawn to test my hormone levels and see where I was.  He then proceeded to tell us that it looked like I was at risk for Ovarian Hyper-Stimulation Syndrome.  My hormone levels would give us a clearer picture of what was happening.  He warned us that if I did have OHSS we would have to wait to do the transfer.  Instead of doing it five days after the retrieval as planned, everything would have to be frozen and we'd have to try again later.  He also mentioned that I could get very sick.

I waited all day for those test results and I got the call right before I left work that day.  The nurse told me that there was no way we would be able to do a live transfer.  She said my Estradiol (hormone) level was 6750.  To even possibly consider doing a live transfer my levels would have to be 3000 or below.  She told me I would most likely get really sick after the retrieval (I already wasn't feeling that great) and that I should be willing to just rest for several days.

Chris gave me my last shot on Thursday night as we prepped for our retrieval the next day.  The needle on this one was huge!

Ouch!  He had to give me that huge shot in my hip!

Here is an action shot of Chris drawing up a shot for
 me.






I kept every single shot that I had to have in this process.  This picture shows the 3 weeks of shots / drugs leading up to this point pretty well...

Yuck!

 So, Friday November 1st was the retrieval.  Since we both had to go under, my wonderful mother in law took us up to the clinic (we had to be there by 5:30 AM).  Chris got to go under first.  I was waiting in a tiny and not-that-comfortable room listening to my ipod trying to keep my mind off of things.  Chris's doc came in after he was finished to tell me that they were able to collect plenty of 'genetic material' from Chris and that everything went really well.  There had been a small chance that they would be able to get anything from him so I was ecstatic!  Then it was my turn...

Gratefully, they put me under while I listened to a fertility meditation because that retrieval process is awful.  They warned me that as I came out of it I may start cramping pretty severely and they were right.  It took me a LONG time to come out of it and feel somewhat human again.  By the time they put me back in the tiny recovery room, Chris was in there too.  I was really really grateful that we had already talked to people about helping with our two puppies because we were a pretty sad sight.  Once I had snapped out of it a bit they told me that they had gotten 30 eggs!!  Talk about over stimulation!

Chris's mom came, took us home and got us all settled.  She was wonderful through this process, for three days in a row she came over to make sure we were comfortable and fed (as much as I could eat), and that the doggies were taken care of.  I am so grateful for her!

As promised by the doctors, I got VERY sick.  They sent me home form the clinic after my procedure with a measuring tape, a 'bathroom hat' (I got to measure my in-going, and OUT-going fluids for two weeks), and several prescriptions to try and get me feeling better.  I thought my shots were done but I was wrong :(.  I had to weigh myself and take a belly measurement every morning, track my fluids, take 4 pills and 2 shots per day.  OHSS can cause several pretty serious issues.  The hormones that leaked into my blood stream thickened my blood so they put me on blood thinners.  They also threw off my sodium and potassium levels in my blood.  It caused serious belly distension and weight gain (I gained 4 inches in my belly and 10 pounds).  In fact, they considered 'draining' off the extra fluid in my abdomen but luckily we didn't get to that point.  On top of all of that I couldn't hold anything down for days.  I was in pretty constant pain.  Any movement hurt like the dickens.  I have been pretty sick before but I don't think I have every been THAT sick before.  I didn't get out of bed for a full week and a half and had daily calls with the nurses during that time.

Luckily while I was stuck in bed healing I had some serious protection and love :)  Those dogs didn't leave my side except to go potty.  I sure love them!

As promised by the lab, they called about three days later to let us know that they were able to fertilize 13 eggs and they had started the embryo incubation process.  They called again on Thursday the 7th to let us know that 8 embryos had made it through the 5 day incubation period, 5 were excellent quality and 4 were pretty good.  They were all frozen and are currently in the U of U cryogenic lab.  Even though it is really weird to think about (and such a strange way to try and gain a family!)  I think it is really cool that there are 8 tiny embryos, equal parts Chris and I sitting frozen in a lab waiting for a chance to see if they can develop into life.

At this point, I am physically feeling worlds better.  I am very happily drug and shot free for a while.  Emotionally, I am still recovering a bit.  I'm going to blame the seriously out of whack hormones running through my body.  The doctor told us that we could try again in December but I am not ready for a second cycle of IVF yet.  I think I still need some time to try and gain balance before we start again.  Plus, I don't think it is fair AT ALL to my family to be on hormones over Christmas!

I think we will start the new year with more drugs.  Even though they have the embryos, they have to get my body ready for the transplant process so, I will be on drugs and shots again for about 6 weeks.  We haven't decided if we'll start again in January or February.  It depends mostly on how I am feeling.  Everyone says this time around will be easier without the whole ovary stimulation and retrieval part.  I'm SERIOUSLY counting on that.

It has been quite a process, the recovery and the disappointment have been a bit difficult.  If I'm completely honest, I lost a lot of motivation to do anything but the 'have-to's'.  My communication with others dropped quite a bit and I apologize to those who have been genuinely waiting for some kind of news from me...  That is why it has taken me so long to get this post written and up.  Thankfully, I think I'm starting to pull out of it a bit.

Even though this cycle is considered failed, I don't think it failed totally.  We have 8 embryos waiting for us to try again.  I'm grateful for that!  We learned a whole lot through this process.  I continue to learn to be nice to myself, to give myself time to heal, and to let the perfectionism wain.  I think the greatest blessing that I have felt through this whole process is hope and even peace.  I don't always feel it in the moment, but it has been there all along.  Thankfully, I know that I am a daughter of an all knowing, all powerful, and most importantly all LOVING God.  I know that I am not in control, He is, and He knows the beginning from the end and the timing of all things.  I learn and remember over and over again that no matter what, my life is meaningful.  He loves me and there is purpose to the things that happen, even if I don't understand.  And I know that even if we never end up with the children we would love to have, there is work for me to do, life for me to live, and joy to be had.  I can't imagine life without that knowledge.

If you haven't heard this song, give it a listen.  It has been a wonderful reminder to me!  Laura Story - Blessings.

Love you all and thank you for your patience,
Shanda

Life Update

 So, clear back in my Life Update from April 2^nd I talked about our decision to wait for possible funding for IVF.  I cannot believe that it has been about 5 months since that point.  I guess time flies when you are busy sleeping off mono ;)

Anyway, I wanted to write a bit about how that process has been for us... 

The program is word of mouth only and they try to keep it quiet so when I started asking questions about it I wasn't told very much.  They basically told me that if I wanted to really know about the process, I had to start it.  This was a bit frustrating to me because I am a serious planner.  I like to know what to expect and when to expect it.  (I'm sure you are all surprised)

We started the process pretty quickly after that post.  I had to go in and get additional blood work done and send in three years of taxes before we could even get an appointment to get our application.  Once at the appointment, we found out that this program is privately funded.  We never get to meet the people that fund the program, they are just known as ‘the committee’.  The committee is made up of those giving us such an amazing financial gift as well as doctors.  The doctors help them to pick the best candidates.  She explained to us that we would need to fill out the application (several pages and a lot of highly personal information) as well as have 5 letters of recommendation for non-familiar sources.  After all of that was received, it would be sent to the committee for review.  Once they review it, they will let us know if we were approved to continue in the process.  If we were approved to continue, we would then need to complete several background checks as well as a home study.  This would be sent back to the committee for final approval.

Chris and I were so excited that we went home we sent an email to 10 of our friends (this is a big shout out to those of you that helped us with this!) with the referral letter and asked them to please complete it within the next week.  We figured that even if half of the people we asked did it, we’d have them all turned in within the week.  Then we stayed up until almost 2 AM getting the whole application filled out. 

The next day Chris walked our completed application into Natalie's office (our contact).  A week after that, we got this email back: 

“I do have all your letters.  Amazing!I will send your application to the committee and let you know when I hear something.”

Then we waited…  I emailed Natalie at least 3 times wanting an update.  Of course she couldn't give me one.  But when I opened my email on May 29^th, I found this letter...

We were thrilled and couldn't wait to keep the process going.  Our next step was to call the social worker they contracted with to have a home study done.  We were advised to wait a few days to call the social worker because they mailed him our letter and it would take him a few days to get our information.  We set our appointment for our home study at his earliest availability which was June 11.  (That also happens to be my mother-in-law’s birthday as well as my sisters J)  The home study process could have been a whole other blog post.  It was stressful and I was sick.  Nonetheless we survived it.  We even survived the pages and pages of difficult to answer questions about our childhood, adult relationships, and what our faults would have as parents. 

We sent everything to the social worker (along with some background checks we had to have completed) and received word from him on July 6^th that everything had been submitted everything to our contact.  I emailed Natalie a week later to see if she had received it and I got this email:

"I am out of the office and will return July 29th.  If urgent, please contact..."

I was VERY hopeful that she had turned everything in before she left for vacation but she hadn't.  I heard from her on August 2nd letting me know she had received the home study report and that she had sent everything to the committee.  I was grateful it was finally being reviewed but we had been hoping to start IVF in September.  With how long the committee had taken to review our preliminary approval, I was doubtful that we'd be able to start that quick.  So I settled into my 'I'm not going to be hopeful about this' attitude. 

Two days ago we received this letter…

I am happy to announce that we will be starting IVF next month!

Love,

Shanda

I think I may finally be in recovery from perfectionism...

As you know (or can see) it has been quite a while since I have updated my blog.  Surprisingly, I have received quite a few comments about it.  Sorry!  It was not my plan to take so much time in between posts but as some of you know, I had the pleasure of mono visiting me for a few months!  I think I am mostly recovered but it sure took a lot out of me.  I don’t think I have ever been that tired, ever.  I thought I was going crazy!

It is amazing to me how well I am known by my Heavenly Father and my Savior.  They always know exactly what I need to learn, when I need to learn it, and exactly the way to best help me to find that new understanding.  I am so blessed.  I was AMAZED by how much I learned during those months of not getting anything done because of excessive sleep.

I started quite a few posts and had even more ideas for posts during my bout with mono but, I never got them finished and honestly, I’m still processing quite a bit of my new understanding.  So, you will be getting it little by little from here on out.  I will do my best at being more consistent in my posting.

I learned right away just how Type A I am.  I loved this picture, it is so perfect!  I don’t have a whole lot

(McLeod, S. A. (2011). Type A Personality - Simply Psychology.Retrieved from http://www.simplypsychology.org/personality-a.html)

of the typical competitiveness ( or at least I am not aware of it) that usually follows a type A.   Because of this, I had just let myself believe that I wasn’t really this way.  The illusion quickly faded with the onset of extreme fatigue.  All of those things that I am supposed to do in a day started not getting done.  Part of the reason I thought I was going crazy is because I was driving myself crazy!  Every day for almost as long as I can remember, I come home from work with a list of everything that I ‘have to’ get done that day.  These lists were NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE to accomplish in one night but I loved the challenge (maybe I am more competitive than I thought).  I think I figured since it was only nearly impossible and not totally impossible there was a chance I could get it done.  At least I see now that while I accomplished a lot, I wasn’t really taking care of myself or paying attention to the people I love. 

When I got sick by the time I left work I was completely exhausted.  This forced me to start cutting down on my to-do list for when I got home to be more ‘realistic’(yeah right).  I kept trying to tell myself that the tiredness wouldn’t last long and if I could just keep up with things I wouldn’t have to catch-up later.  By doing this, I managed to push my body further than it really wanted to be pushed.  What was the result of that?  Having to use ALL of my vacation and sick time I had been saving for IVF.  ALL OF IT!  The real kicker though was that I missed all that work, and used all my time off, to do NOTHING BUT SLEEP!  Talk about crazy making.  I would wake up after 12 hours of sleep and fell like I hadn’t slept at all.  For the first time in my life I couldn’t force myself anymore, I couldn’t ‘push-through’, I just couldn’t do anything at all and I was so frustrated by it!

Yet, instead of asking for any help, I still somehow figured I could do things myself.  Due to my insanity (honestly it can’t be called anything else) I decided to do a lot of re-arranging in our home right before our home study for the IVF grant we applied for.  As all of you know, re-arranging anything means more cleaning and I was already down and out.  This meant that Chris and I stayed up until 2 AM the night before the social worker came to inspect our home to make sure everything was done.  I was hardly even functional but I just ‘had-to’ get it all done.  During the extra-long cleaning spree with me functioning at probably a ¼ of my normal speed I remembered a friend’s offer from earlier that day.  She knew our home study was the next day and that I would have no time that day to clean so she asked me sincerely if she could come and help.  Without even thinking about it I thanked her but let her know we had it under control.  As the clock passed midnight I was almost screaming at myself… this is OBVIOUSLY not under control!  I really could have used her help.  Why didn’t I even consider accepting it?

I think it was because I didn’t want her to see the mess.  I couldn’t stand not being all put together.  Because of my pride, I seriously paid the price.  Dumb, dumb, dumb.  Then I read this post from one of my favorite bloggers and I realized it wasn’t just me that did this.    I also realized how much I need to stop it.  Everyone struggles sometimes, life is messy for everyone, and if I can’t be real about that, how can others be real with me?  (Seriously, you should read the post and I highly recommend reading her often!)

No one benefits by my obsessive have-to-do lists.  Yes things do need to get done.  We live in the real world.  But they don’t have to get done at the sacrifice of a good conversation with my husband, or catching up with a good friend, or even for giving myself a little break once in a while.

Now I am practicing being nice to myself and taking time for me.  I am practicing not being so ridged and demanding.  I am practicing not living from those never-ending to-do lists.  I am far from perfect at it, but I am practicing and that is really okay for now. 

We women have a lot to learn about simplifying our lives.  We have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable for us.  We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something.  We have to learn to be content with what we are. - Marjorie Hinckley 

Adventures in Juicing...

Chris and I decided to do this crazy juice fast a few weeks ago.  I guess it is just that time of year but instead of spring cleaning our house, we our spring cleaning our bodies.  It is something we have talked about doing for quite some time now because we watched the movie "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead".  The documentary is actually very well done and I highly recommend it.  It is on Nextfix.  Anyway starting on April 1st we cut all dairy, meat, processed foods, and refined sugars out of our diet.  Then, starting April 6th, we started only drinking fruit and veggie juice (that we juice in our juicer) and water...
Today is day 5 of the juice fast.  I have learned some interesting things along the way.

1. It is harder than it seems.  I know, I'm kind of naive at times.  I honestly didn't think that restricting my diet and only drinking juice would be that hard.  I was wrong.  It is hard.  Especially when I look around and see other people enjoying yummy food.  Or worse yet, when I smell their yummy food.  Or worse than that, visit Pinterest at all. It has taken serious will power to stay honest in my fast.  That and Chris telling me to give it one more day... repeatedly.
2. NEVER EVER take the top off of the juicer until the blades have come to a complete stop.  If pictures say 1000 words, I don't have to write any more about this other than I'm glad this didn't happen on day 3.

   

   Chris asked if the kitchen walls were hungry...
3. I expected something different.  I guess I expected to be hungry mostly.  Truth is, I haven't been hungry at all until, as before mentioned, I see someone else with something that looks good.  What has been really hard is my psychological attachment to food.  Until today I was craving things that I don't even eat, like Burger King.  What is that about?
4. It takes a staggering amount of fruits and veggies to make juice.  We have used more than 30 lbs of carrots alone in the last 5 days!
5. Sometimes presentation isn't everything.  Even if it looks bad, it can still taste good.  Maybe I should find a way to adapt this into my perfectionist thinking.  I'm sure it is pretty easy.  This is what my breakfast, lunch, and dinner have been the last 5 days.

   

   Sigh...

6. A little bit of sleep can make things seem OK again.  Day 3 was a disaster!  I actually got ANGRY that I wasn't eating like a normal person and I couldn't figure out why I was doing this to myself!  Then I got ANGRY at Chris for telling me to stick it out one more day.  I was shocked at the emotions coming out of me. I was literally crying  about it.  So, I sucked it up and went to bed and by the next day, I was totally fine again.  Whew.
7. It gets easier.  All I can say here is thank goodness.  Last night my friend was eating some delicious looking Chinese food and I was actually OK.  With the food in front of me, with the smell, all of it.  I was so impressed.  Today I woke up feeling great and honestly, it has been a breeze.  
8. I can do hard things and it is worth it.  Since last Monday I have lost 11 lbs. and Chris has lost about 15!  I'm shocked by the results!

I guess we will see how much longer this craziness lasts.  Hopefully at the end of all of this my sugar addiction will be finally gone or at least seriously reduced.  Although, I'm not going to lie... a burger at Rich's sounds pretty amazing right now!

Love, 

Shanda

Ask and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be opened unto you…

Since I wrote the post “Prayers can be answered quickly”, I have been thinking a lot about this concept.  I have grown up knowing that He knows the every thought in my mind and every desire in my heart.  I grew up knowing that I was a daughter of my Heavenly Father.  I never questioned the divine linage.  I have defiantly learned over the years that I am completely loved and taken care of beyond my ability to recognize, and I have a unique relationship with Him because he knows me individually.  Yet somehow, even with my years of studying the scriptures, I have realized that I accepted a false belief that prayers were for expression of gratitude and asking for needs.  Since that experience, Matthew 7:11 has taken on a completely new meaning.

“If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heave give good things to them that ask him?”

I really started thinking about the example of my own dad.  I honestly couldn't have asked for a better father.  So much opportunity and blessing has come to Chris and I because of him.  And it has not all been things that I need.  He has provided hotels for us to have getaways, or airfare to take a much needed vacation.  He even took both of us to Wicked on Broadway just because he knows how much I love that music.  He loves to provide opportunities for all kinds of things in our life and if he does, than my Heavenly Father would too.  I will say this, my prayers have changed!

My dad and siblings♥ 

Exactly fitting in with my last post about this topic and my own thoughts and prayers lately I was reading the news feed on Facebook, like I sometimes do, and one of my beautiful Christian friends (that I am seriously blessed to know)  had posted an amazing story.  As soon as I saw it, I asked her if it would be possible for me to share it on my blog.  I was a perfect example to me of this.  Thank you Tiffany!

"So I know most of you friends on facebook know that I love Jesus and have been a witness to my profession of faith. 

Well I have yet another testimony of how faithful God is and that Jesus knows every need, every thought and every desire of each one of us.  This is just one of many reasons why I am so in love with Jesus. 

It is always an ADVENTURE. 

For a few weeks now Travis and I have been agreeing in prayer that our wedding would be a sign and a wonder to all.  We have also been praying specifically that this wedding is God's will it is his bill.  We have been tested to GET OUT OF THE BOAT and walk on water.  We have been tested over and over with having to die our will and the way we want certain things of our wedding to go and letting God's will have the victory.  As we have prayed we have sen God sow up mightily!  We have literally, tangibly seen God pay the bill for our wedding!  i am not talking about Travis and I working getting a pay check and paying for our wedding, I am talking money coming from unknown sources, favor with mangers and with the venue (things that in the natural make no sense).  There is no other explanation but Jesus. 

Friday night Travis and I prayed together, thanking Jesus for seeing His fingerprint through out our courtship and now as we are planning to become one in Him, we also asked that the Favor of the Lord would rest upon us as we go to the Bridal Expo and that we still needed the provision for our honey moon and wedding bands, and if He chose to He would give us wedding bands and a honeymoon through the Expo. 

Saturday while I was at the Bridal Expo I entered almost every contest there was!  In the course of my 3 hour adventure there and countless entries the Holy Spirit spoke to me while filling out 2 specific entries.  One first entry (wedding band entry) He told me to write specifically Ephesians 3:17-21 (so that Chris may dwell in your hearts through faith.  And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.  Now to Him who is able to do immeasurable more than I can ask or imagine).  So I wrote that on the top of my entry.  Then one other one He told me to write Jesus picked me as the winner.  In faith I did what He told me to do!! 

I just got a phone call that I was selected as the winner of 2 different drawings from the Bridal Expo on Saturday.  I won $600 gift card for wedding bands and a 2 night 3 day stay at our choice of either Dominican Republic or Bahamas all inclusive resort!!! 

"Again, truly I tell you that if tow of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven." Matthew 18:19 

"The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing." Psalm 34:10 

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17 

"And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."  Hebrews 11:6 

I encourage you to be bold with your prayers and BELIEVE HIM FOR IT!!!!!!!!"

Isn't she AMAZING?  I'm so grateful for amazing people like her in my life that can teach me, even when they don't know they are doing it.  I'm excited that I can continue to practice my new found understanding that very possibly is not new to anyone else.  There is something very humbling and yet incredibly empowering about asking for the deepest desires of your heart and knowing that if it is right, a way will be opened for you to receive.  If it is not, then something better is coming your way.

Love,
Shanda

Life Update

Last month Chris and I finished all of our pre-IVF testing.  All that we had left to do was get our final price from the University of Utah Hospital to be able to move forward.  Somewhere along the long line of doctor’s appointments and tests, we had heard about a program that offers financial aid to those needing to do IVF.  Apparently this program is only word of mouth due to limited funding and so we started investigating it. 

Chris and I were planning to start the IVF process this month and we were both very excited.  When we got our price back from the committee reviewing our test results, it was about $23,000.  Honestly, even though I believe that there isn’t much else that is as gratifying to spend money on, seeing it in a lump sum was a bit staggering.  Within the week we got a call back from the financial aid program.  What they offer (after an extensive approval process) is amazing and Chris and I were excited to start the approval process until they let us know that this process typically takes 4 to 6 months.

I’m sure that any sane person would think the wait really does not really seem like that long.   To me, it seemed like an eternity!  My heart was so much set on starting this month.  I had started to plan what to do with the house and our spare room.  And for the first time ever, I even let myself buy a darling pair of overalls for one of MY babies.  All of these thoughts started to hit me, making me feel like somehow choosing to wait for funding is choosing money over children.  That if I wanted it bad enough we’d just move forward… etc.

Gratefully, I didn’t have to make the decision alone.  Chris and I were able to go to the temple on Saturday, (the beautiful Brigham City temple).

(Image from  www.deseretbook.com)

It was such a peaceful and amazing experience.  I kept thinking that I couldn’t believe the little city I grew up in actually had a temple!  I felt so much peace as I contemplated this decision.  My husband and I both felt that Heavenly Father was just happy about our desire to have children and the timing was up to us.  So, after talking about it extensively, we have decided to wait and see if it is possible to get the funding.  We will see where we are in June and if we need to reevaluate, we will.

I may not feel it all the time, but most of the time I really am grateful for opportunities that come in life that allow me to practice the patience, trust, and love.

Love,
Shanda

Prayers can be answered quickly...

I was hoping to have another post up before to day but, such is life some times.  Instead of posting I spent the weekend with close friends, snuggling a new beautiful tiny baby boy, and being with family.  I love weekends like that!  I also spent some time thinking about this interesting series of events that has gotten me thinking about asking for what you want and accepting what you asked for.  Let me explain...

Two weekends ago my wonderful husband took me downtown for a romantic weekend getaway.  He really can be quite the romantic at times. *dreamy sigh*  He and I have attended several seminars in the last year put on by 3 Key Elements. It is an incredible company on a mission and a big part of the reason I started to see the anger I had.  Kirk Duncan and those that work with him know how to put on some very powerful training's!  Chris signed us up for a training they developed called Royalty & Romance.  Not only did he sign us for for the class, he got us a room downtown, arranged for dog sitting, and even signed us up for a candlelight dinner Friday night.  It was such fantastic weekend!

Anyway, on with my story.  At every 3 Key Elements event, we get a raffle ticket, along with several other things, and at various times during the event we get a chance to win different items.  On Saturday we were a bit late getting back from lunch because the first few places we tried were either experiencing a power outage or had too long of a wait.  We got back after the afternoon raffle had started and had just found some seats when they called Chris's number!  He went up to accept his winnings and was rewarded with the entire audio library of CD's that Kirk has produced.  Since we love this company and love to support it, we already had the whole library.  Chris let them know that we already had it but they said if we already had it, we just had some that we could share with others and gave it to him anyway.  On his way back to his seat he had several people ask for the entire set from him in front of everyone but he didn't feel quite right about it so he didn't give them away instantly.  Lo and behold, two ticket numbers later they called my number!  They were offering me another ENTIRE AUDIO LIBRARY.  I went to the stage but I protested saying that we really didn't need three full sets of CD's and asked them to re-draw to give someone else a chance.  Which this time, they did.

On his way up to stage, Kirk stopped where I was sitting and told me (and everyone else) that since I had such a good attitude and wanted others to have a chance to win, that he wanted to gift me the full library anyway.  So there we sat with 2 full sets of CD's and another one at home and everyone in the audience knowing that was our situation.  We thought for sure that at the next break we would be swarmed with people asking for some of our CD's.  For those of you that know us personally, you know we wouldn't have hesitated to help out some other people by giving them some CD's out of our abundance.  But, no one asked!

We met a couple there that we knew wanted two specific CD's so we offered both to them.
That is why one stack is smaller.

Do you ever find it hard to ask for what you want?  I know that I do sometimes.  I have wondered why a lot.  What does it hurt to ask?  Is it because I think I'm being selfish?  Is it because I don't trust that whomever I'm petitioning will give me what I ask?  This was such an interesting lesson for me to contemplate.  Turning it to the spiritual side, because that is how I roll, maybe, just maybe, Heavenly Father is waiting for me to ask for what I want.  Perhaps He is already prepared to give me what I want and He is just waiting to see if I have the faith to ask.  The scriptures seem to be begging me to believe this very principle.  "Ask and ye shall receive" is a very common phrase I read.

But what about those times when I don't get what I ask for?  Elder Jeffery R. Holland has a book out right now called "For Times of Trouble".  It is fabulous book that I highly recommend and it comes with a DVD of him answering questions about times of trouble from a panel of people.  I, for one, want to know how to get on one of those panels!  As he is answering a question on the DVD he says that "you can have anything you want or something better".  Paraphrasing what he said, he explains that God's will is large enough to incorporate our desires, we just have to ask.  He continues by saying that the only time we don't get what we want is when from a parental view He sees that it would be better for us to have something different, something better, so that we can learn what we need to learn and become who we need to become.  Isn't that comforting?

So, last Thursday on my way to work I started smelling something burning and looked down to see my car temperature red-lining.  I had to pull over, turn my car off, and let it cool down before I could continue on my way.  It is a fairly new (to us) car and I had never had an issue like this with it before.  So, I said a quick prayer asking for His help to get to work and back home safely without there being damage to my car.  When I left the house that morning I was already a few minutes behind so I ended up getting to work late and feeling pretty grumpy about it.

On Thursdays we have a man that comes to our office to take our office supply order for the week.  We have a really good working relationship and he likes to tell me about the boys he helps through his service in the community and we often chat for at least a few minutes when he comes.  By the time I got to the office, he was already there looking at the order for the week.  He joked about me being late and I ended up telling what had held me up.  Without any hesitation he asked to see my keys so he could go out in a snow storm and look at my car.  I protested, we have a good working relationship but I didn't want him to have to go out of his way.  He insisted so I finally gave him my keys.  When he came back in, he told me that he needed to finish his route but when he was done, he'd come back and take a closer look.

He came back around noon with coolant in hand, filled up the reserves, and told me to have my husband look at it but that it should be fine now.  I was shocked that he was willing to do all of that for me.  If he would have told me it was coolant I would have walked across the street, picked some up, filled it up myself and considered it good but he didn't even give me the chance.  I am incredibly independent (just ask my husband) and I really don't mind doing things that I am capable of doing by myself.  In fact, I prefer it.  I know, I still have a lot to work on...

With some reflection, and guidance from the spirit I'm sure, I started to recognize some things that perhaps should have been clear to me.  The first thing I recognized is that I had asked and Heavenly Father had acted quickly to answer my prayer.  The second is that it wasn't answered in the the way I expected or necessarily wanted.  I think, perhaps due to my independence, when I asked for help I expected that He would help me by somehow messing with my car to keep it cool enough to drive until Chris could look at it.  This way, I didn't need to depend on anyone else except my husband.  You'd think I'd know better but honestly, that is what I had in mind.  Instead, he had prepared a way so that before I even left for lunch my car was fixed and drive ready while giving someone else the opportunity to serve me.  His way was so much better!  I need to just accept what He gives, especially when I have asked for exactly what He is giving.

I saw this video a few weeks ago and I wanted to share.  I am learning that teaching moments from Heavenly Father are all around us if we are looking for them.  The video is about 5 minutes long but really, really good.  I think it shows that amazing things are around us all the time when we are looking for them.

  "The Money Tree"  

Love,

Shanda